A little dust on the dashboard

I feel like God has brought me to a collection of Scriptures and thoughts that have all come to a head in the past few weeks. The summarized idea is: there is so much freedom found in acknowledging how sinful you are. My brain feels like a giant web of thoughts and Scriptures so I will try to break this messy idea down as best as possible.

1. I am utterly sinful. 2. I am profoundly covered in grace. 3. God’s hope for me was always redemption, relationship and freedom in Christ. 4. God is my shield.

I am utterly sinful. The Bible tells me so over and over again (Scripture references below). My life tells me so, too. Lately, recognizing how undisputedly sinful I am has actually given me so much freedom and confidence in Christ. It is almost as if before I expected myself to be... perfect! And so when I sinned… it felt like the world was ending. I am being a bit dramatic, but seriously. It has often been so hard for me to accept flaws within myself (more on that later). So seeing God tell me repeatedly that I am sinful frees me a little bit. Not that I use this recognition as an excuse to keep on sinning (Romans 6:1), but I think this deep understanding allows me room and space to grow and accept the continual process of refinement that God puts me through. I will never forget a conversation that I had with a mentor back in college. I told her some realization I made about a pattern of thinking and sin I fell into. I thought this was ground-breaking but she said “I know. I have known this about you for a while now!” It was such a simple conversation but it has made a lasting impact on me because I believe that it reflected God’s heart for me. God knows every single one of my flaws, imperfections, sins, etc. but he is patient with me and compassionate on my continual journey. Knowing that God knows I am sinful and can hold that space with me is so empowering because He will never be shocked at the fact that I make mistakes, that I hurt people, that I don’t get things right the first time sometimes, etc. And so I just love the reminder that I am a sinner.

I am a sinner, but I am profoundly covered in grace. I have always claimed to be a “guilty soul”. That is a term I hear thrown around a lot and it can be confusing because guilt isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes I should feel guilty. 2 Corinthians 10:7 talks about this: godly versus worldly sorrow. Sometimes my guilt is like touching a hot stove. It is a ping of pain indicating to me that something is off and I need to attend to it. But where this becomes problematic for people like me is sometimes I let that guilt lead me down a path of shame. Brene Brown talks a lot about guilt and shame in her book “Dare to Lead”, “When we apologize for something we’ve done, make amends, or change a behavior that doesn’t align with our values, guilt- not shame - is most often the driving force. We feel guilty when we hold up something we’ve done or failed to do against our values and find they don’t match up. It’s a psychologically uncomfortable feeling, but one that’s helpful. The discomfort of cognitive dissonance is what drives meaningful change. Shame, however, corrodes the very part of us that believes we can change and do better.” (p. 129). I get stuck in my guilt and rather than experience the freedom found in godly sorrow, I allow my mistakes to define me (or I deny my mistakes altogether because I can’t handle the shameful label I am putting on myself).

Godly sorrow is really such a gift from God because it leads us to repentance and leaves no regret. I have often overlooked this phrase, “no regret”. Galatians 5:1, “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” and other Scriptures like it (listed below) are insanely helpful because, with Christ and in repentance, I do not have to feel enslaved by neither my sin nor my guilt! I can repent and move forward! God’s grace for me grants me freedom, even in my most sinful state, to come to him and allow him to cover me in His mercy, love, and understanding. I no longer have to be enslaved to a cycle of deep shame. And this type of grace propels me to escape my sinful patterns in a way that feels so empowering and driven by hope, love, and relationship rather than shame, disappointment, fear, and anxiety. I used to work at a carwash and I was always so confused when people would freak out about a little dust that was missed on their dashboard. Like, ma’am, this is not permanent damage to your car, it is dust. I can go in and fix it right now. Missing a spot was never a big deal to me because I could always go back and correct it. But for some reason, I don’t carry this same attitude with myself. I act like I have wrecked the car beyond a point of repair.

God’s plan for me has always been redemption, relationship, and freedom in Christ. When I am stuck in my shame, it inhibits me from experiencing the fullness of God’s love and acceptance. God does want change, he is constantly working to grow us (Romans 8:29). There are consequences to our sin, including the death of His son. But this immense sacrifice was made so that we can approach God in confidence (Hebrews 4:16). I love that. God desperately wants a relationship with me, even at my lowest points. He isn’t sitting up on His throne shaking His head at every fumble I make. His mind does not play the same soundtrack of frustration and judgment that mine does every time I fall short. He simply wants me to approach Him so that we can work it all out together.

Lastly, God is my shield. Anyone who knows me well knows that this idea of God being my shield has meant A LOT to me the past two years. I think the reason why it means so much to me is because I am prone to want to defend myself or take control. But knowing that God is my help and my shield allows me to breathe and let Him take the reigns. If someone misjudges me, misunderstands me, etc. I can rest easy knowing that God is my shield. I do not have to defend myself. I can let my walls down and admit all my deepest flaws and shortcomings to God, myself, and to others without fear because God is protecting me. I think one of the reasons why shame can be so pervasive for me is because I am afraid that if I admit a mistake that that mistake then defines me and becomes who I am. But in Jesus, this is not the case. My identity is not my sin, my identity is found in Christ.

I am sure that these thoughts are pretty simple and maybe even incomplete. But, I thought I would share for three reasons. First, God simply put it on my heart. Second, I admit that there are times in my life where I put pressure on myself to not struggle. But I do! I am a sinful human. And I think that is relatable. And lastly, I think that I have seen an attitude seeping into our culture of deep judgment of others and the sins that they may struggle with. Myself included! It is actually so twisted, as I watch people condemn others for sins such as judgment, hypocrisy, pride, etc. I have admittedly found myself thinking about how self-righteous they sound in their condemnation… all the while I am doing the EXACT SAME THING. Unfortunately, this attitude and mindset does not foster an environment of openness, accountability, understanding, and growth. So instead of pointing out the sins of everyone around me, I want to point out my own. I don’t think I can change the world by lecturing everyone on how wrong they are. But I may be able to make an impact if I first look at my own sin and fight to bring it to Jesus (Matthew 7:5). So yes, lately, I have seen myself battle with jealously, pride, self-pity, selfishness, and much more. In summary, knowing just how sinful I am combined with understanding the incredible love and sacrifice God has made for me allows me to freely admit, confront and repent of my sin without feeling bogged down in shame. We all have a little dust on our dashboard.

Hebrews 4:14- 16 “Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who was tempted in every way that we are, yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.…”

Scriptures:

I am a sinner: (Romans 2:1, Luke 18:9-11, 1 John 1:8-10, Romans 2:17-24, Romans 3:10-12, Psalm 18:28, Romans 3:23, Mark 7:20-23, James 1:12-15, 1 John 3:6-10, Proverbs 28:13, 1 Peter 2:24, 1 Timothy 1:15, Psalm 51:5, etc.)

I am free in Christ: (Galatians 2:21, John 8:36, 1 Peter 2:16, 2 Corinthians 3:12-18, Romans 8:1-4, Romans 8:13-17, Ephesians 2:17, etc.)

God as my shield/help: (Psalm 84:11, Genesis 15:1, 2 Samuel 22:3, Psalm 7:10, Psalm 18:2, Proverbs 2:7-8, Isaiah 52:12, Isaiah 31:5, Psalm 3:3, Psalm 32:10, Psalm 119:114, Proverbs 30:5, Psalm 28:7, Psalm 33:20, etc.)

Other: (Psalm 86:15-16, John 3:16-17, 2 Corinthians 5:17-21, Isaiah 1:18, Isaiah 41:14)